i had all the best intentions to post a video clip i saw on the today show a few weeks back entitled “how to stand out in a crowd”, but alas, the technology gods and fast pace of the internet foiled my plans (i couldn’t embed the video, and now it’s been taken down anyways). HOWEVER, i did remember the general gist of the piece and of course i want to share it with you guys.

in the segment, a group of stylists and various other folks transformed a normal, every day woman (one of the today show’s producers) into a “celebrity”, complete with a platinum blonde mane, a huge entourage, some paparazzi, and even a tiny dog. as the cameras rolled and the woman walked through the city, countless city passersby were fawning over her and asking for pictures and autographs. when questioned as to who she was and why they wanted her picture and/or autograph, the majority of people had the same general answer “she looked important, so i figured she must be a celebrity.”

now, obviously it would be ridiculous (both unnecessary and impossible) to hire paparazzi and a gang of people to follow us all around each day. but the point of the segment was that ANYONE can create an “aura of importance” from the minute they walk into a room. the key is to really believe that you’re an important, strong person…and most importantly, the perfect person for the job – and others will believe it too. don’t buy it? the next time you walk into a room, decide consciously on a confident, powerful attitude- combine that with good posture, eye contact, and a firm handshake, and you might just have employers asking for your autograph in no time.

Booze Writers Wanted for Adult Publication (Midtown)

Date: 2010-01-25, 7:06PM EST
Reply to: xxxxx@craigslist.org 

We need a few writers with a passion for booze (spirits, wine & beer.) XXXXXX has recently grown our Booze section, and we are looking for competent writers who can intelligently and accurately review alcohol. If you write well and meet deadlines, more opportunities await. 

We are looking for writers who are willing to do more than just write booze reviews. As mentioned, the section has just expanded and there are other sections that need to be filled: Booze features, Booze advice, recipes, interviews with booze experts, and bar profiles. If you’re itching to write creatively and have a passion for booze, then we’re looking for you! 

We are still a startup operation. There is VERY small monetary compensation attached with this writing position, though you will have the opportunity to suggest a particular product and get that to review without having to buy the booze. This is a great way for a writer to get some bylines and build up their portfolios. 

• This is a part-time job.
• Principals only. Recruiters, please don’t contact this job poster.
• Please, no phone calls about this job!
• Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

for those of you saying to yourself, “wait, it’s over?” i’m here to tell you, it’s over. dead. pushing up daisies. extinct.

but hold on. before you go crazy, letting the world see those pictures of yourself passed out in your own puke, pleease note that i’m not saying that potential employers need to see EVERYTHING. however, it seems that these days, letting your style and interests show through in your online profiles seems to do more good than harm.

in an interview for my current job, one of the interviewers mentioned that he’d been looking at my twitter and saw that i was tweeting about the reality show “the cougar” the night before, which they also had watched. yes, a somewhat silly topic to connect on, but it was almost like a “hey! it’s a real person!” and worked to my advantage in that sense.

one of my favorite ways to display some interests is to become a “fan” of things on facebook – in most cases, it can be seen when someone looks you up on facebook even if they can’t see your profile. so, if you don’t want them totally invading your privacy and lurkin’ on your facebook turf, there’s always the option to give them a little peek of what you’re like. so tweet ’til your heart’s content, facebook ’til your face falls off, and love linkedin without fear! just sayin’.

Wanted: Obsessive “The Bachelor” Viewers/Writers

Date: 2010-01-04, 5:46PM EST
Reply to: xxxxxx@craigslist.org

Don’t lie. All you do is watch TV. Yes, you have a job, but it’s not a priority. The Bachelor? Now we’re talking priorities. So how about this? Earn the right to say, “I’m a Bachelor-viewing professional,” and earn some money at the same time. We’re looking for a talented writer and pop culture junkie to become the expert for The Bachelor – blogging, recapping, highlighting fashions, and otherwise leading web users to what they need to know about your show. Send us a writing sample – approximately 300 words – recapping an episode of The Bachelor. Then, let’s talk. 

• Compensation: $15/hour
• Telecommuting is ok.
• This is a part-time job.
• This is a contract job.
• Principals only. Recruiters, please don’t contact this job poster.
• Please, no phone calls about this job!
• Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

10 Questions to Ask Yourself About Your Job – Stepcase Lifehack.

P.S. We regret that we may not be able to respond to every email. However, if we are interested in your work, we will definitely get back to you. If you hadn’t heard from us in more than 10 days, assume we’re not interested. Thank you and sorry about any inconvenience this may cause.

so anyways, while connections and networks always have the potential to be helpful, don’t hold your breath and bet the farm on an “in” that may never come. often, the best type of networking happens when you actively promote your personal brand without focusing solely on a specific position and create connections with all types of different people. you never know who may be paying attention when you least expect it!

Listen, I know it’s tough out there for the unemployed—especially for recent graduates who are competing with incredibly experienced people who are scooping up assistant jobs like they’re at Coldstone Creamery because they need to pay their bills.

So, in deference to them, I’m not going to talk about how much it also sucks to be employed these days, when you get pay cuts on your already embarrassingly low salary, take on the work of all of the people your company has laid off, and then are expected smile and be grateful that you’re still employed. 

I mean, for real, it gets so stressful that you’re secretly planning a big, splashy suicide, where you run from the cubicle ghost town once filled with all of your friends, straight into your boss’s office during an “important” meeting, screaming, “WHYYYYYY GOD WHYYYYYYYY,” and right out the open window.  The goal would be to fall to your death right underneath the big Charles Schwab billboard that says, “I don’t want to work forever,” because, come on, that would just be hilarious.  Your dead body on the corner of 10^thavenue by the Dunkin Donuts—awesome.

But enough about me—the point here is that it’s a jungle out there and people are getting desperate.   I get it.  But if I get one more goddamned request to be a reference for someone I’ve never met, or met briefly in line for the bathroom at Darby O’Gills junior year of college when we were both shitfaced, I’m going to lose it.  

I know that certain people are fine recommending people that they’ve never met solely because they went to the same college or the same sorority or the same faux Irish pub on Mug Night, but I am not.  In business, the only thing you have is your name and your reputation.  I’m not going to let some jackass I’ve never met jeopardize what I’ve worked so hard to build by giving them my professional endorsement.

Maybe I take this kind of stuff too seriously, but really, giving a reference isn’t just forwarding your resume to HR—it’s me saying, “Hey, this person is awesome.”  So when I’ve never met you or never worked with you, how can I judge how awesome you’re going to be in a professional setting?  In fact, I can already tell that you’re not awesome, based on the fact that you clearly don’t know what a reference is, and in what capacity someone would have to know you in order to give you one (ie: someone you worked with vs. someone who helped you tap a keg at a sketchy house party freshman year of college).  And if I recommend you and you suck, I look like an idiot for introducing you to the company.  No thanks.    

In one example of absolute ridiculousness, someone had emailed me for “career advice,” and after I sent her a long email answering all of her questions and giving her advice—no response.  I don’t want real card with hand-drawn calligraphy. What I want is an email (that takes two seconds and costs nothing, by the way) thanking me for my time. I’m already well-aware of your unemployment status, so what the fuck are you doing that’s so important that you can’t take a minute to shoot off an email to someone who tried to help you? 

Now, imagine my surprise when I get an email from our HR Director a few weeks later, saying that the same girl was using me for a reference.  She did this without a.) ever meeting me, and b.) asking me for permission.  OH HELL NO.  So then I had to write a “cease and desist” letter to this girl telling her never to use my name again, since we had never met, and the only impression I have of this person is that she obviously doesn’t get it, and that her general grasp on manners is questionable.    

So, let’s play a game.  It’s called: WHO SHOULD I ASK FOR A REFERENCE?

1.     Your supervisor at your internship

2.     Someone you’ve never met but went to the same college as

3.     Your boss at your summer job

4.     Your college professor

5.     Someone you think you had a Spanish class with three years ago

ANSWERS:

1.     YES, you should ask your supervisor at your internship for a reference.  They know you purely in a professional sense, and if you were a good intern (which is, frankly, not hard to do since so many interns suck so hardcore that I want to punch them all right in their faces and send them back to the smug NYU classroom they crawled out of), they will be more than happy to sing your praises.  You did a good job and worked for free. You deserve it.

2.     NO, because they don’t. know. who. you. are.  I guess if you’re desperate, you can try it, but don’t be surprised if people tell you no. Yeah, we went to the same college, but I went to college with a lot of idiots, and so did everyone else.  I’m not going to take the chance that you’re one of those idiots and jeopardize my position (or, blow up my spot) for you.

3.     YES, unless you did what most people do at their summer jobs, which is goof off, show up hungover or still drunk, and generally not give a fuck about anything because you’re getting paid minimum wage and the only reason you have a job in the summer is to save up some beer money for the Fall Semester.  But if you did a moderately good job, definitely ask him/her for a reference.  They know you as an employee and while your skills at scooping ice cream or folding sweaters might not directly translate into the skills you need for the real job you’re applying for, but they can say things like, “She was reliable, she showed up on time, and she was a hard worker,” which are all things any boss wants to see, no matter what job you’re looking for.

4.     YES, but only if you’re desperate.  College professors can speak about your intelligence and your work ethic to a point, but turning in a paper is a little different than actually doing a job.  If anything, they could be a good character reference.

5.     NO.   Let me get this straight, you think we had a Spanish class together three years ago?  If you start out a message with, “Hey, don’t know if you remember me or not, but I think we had a Spanish class together sophomore year…” just stop writing the letter altogether. You don’t even know if you met me, and if you’re not even sure if I’ll remember you, how do you expect me to go to my boss and recommend you?  FAIL.

So, in review, don’t ask people for references that don’t know you in a professional capacity.  It’s just awkward, and then they’re forced to write you an awkward message back saying, “WTF?!  WHO ARE YOU?  NO, THE ANSWER IS NO.”  Okay, maybe that’s just what I wrote.  But honestly, just THINK before you write.  It’ll save you from embarrassment, and people like me from an ulcer.

Date: 2009-11-06, 11:19AM EST
Reply to: xxxxxxxxxx@craigslist.org

Looking for writer to help flush out story for children’s illustrated book.

—-
Your not qulaified, don’t bother

Date: 2009-11-10, 10:23AM EST
Reply to: xxxxxxx@craigslist.org

Your probably looking for a job that has a flexible schedule, a relaxed no stress atmosphere, and something that requires little to no effort. Sorry, this isn’t for you.

WE are competitve.

WE are motivated.

WE earn our money.

You could too, if you wanted to, but your not a closer, your not dedicated, or you don’t believe in yourself.

Your probably going to give a call and ask for a bunch of time off, and how much does it pay, and what are the hours etc. Please don’t call if you are looking for a “safe desk job”.

WE drive, so you need a car.

WE grow in this company, your success is our success, we promote from within and depend on you to make it.

WE are POSITIVE, everyday is exciting and new. Your biggest and best client is waiting for you to show up. WE’VE already set your appointment!

WE provide all the training and opportunities; you supply the great attitude.

—

document proofing – English Spell Freak Wanted

Date: 2009-11-02, 9:38PM EST
Reply to: xxxxxx@craigslist.org

Local publishing company has a regular, part-time position for a proof-reader. Writing, filing, billing and office assistance skills a plus. Hours are 9am – 1pm, Monday thru Thursday. Our offices are located in xxxxxxx this is NOT a work from home opportunity. Email your resume, references, and requirement in confidence. Excellent opportunity for a person with strong grammer skills. EOE.

—
wait staff

Date: 2009-10-28, 10:31AM EDT
Reply to: xxxxx@craigslist.org

xxxxxx, fine latin cuisine is hiring energetic wait staff,

the ideal person must to know wine, liquor and table manners, with good apperance and good actitud

requisites:
2 yrs minimun experiance in the the service area
work weekends and hollidays

I majored in a program called “Psych Special Ed” at my college. Basically I graduated with a BA in psychology and teacher certification in general and special ed grades 1-6th in NY State. A few years into the major, I figured out that I definitely didn’t want to teach but I stuck with it because of the psychology degree. A day after graduation I moved to the great state of Rhode Island and searched for jobs. I applied to probably 50 jobs and I got 3 interviews.
Interview 1: It was for a daycare program (a backup job in my mind) and she loved me but said I didn’t have enough experience. 3 months later she called and offered me the job.
Interview 2: It was for a counselor for students that were needy in a city. He said I didn’t have enough research experience in psychology.
Interview 3: Working as an ABA therapist for students with special needs, hired me on the spot.

In my opinion, I was very lucky. I stepped out of the box and applied to anything that had to do with my major. I was very torn with really no direction in terms of exactly what I wanted to do. It worked out and 5 months later, I am still working as an ABA therapist. I fell into the job but it is truly what I was meant to do at this point in my life. A year ago, would I ever have pictured myself with this job? Absolutely not. In my case, it took an interviewer who saw my talent and pictured me in a position to give me a direction.

I agree with a prior post that if you know exactly what you want to do (and it’s feasible), there is no point applying to random jobs. However, if you are like I was, with barely any direction, apply to anything and everything that can remotely relate to your major. Eventually, something will come through, and you will find your way just as I have.